I know its not the same for all of you, but I can easily see myself in a new relationship and being much happier. Its as clear as day. The last two years of our marriage I thought that we have achieved all that we could achieve. Anna, until the honeymoon phase ended. Jul 15, 2013 I never thought I would be on the sending end of something like this but here I am. How to Make Your Wife Feel Loved and Want to Stay Change is never easy even if we wanted it. So, why hurt her. That was enough for her not to try to dissuade me. As far as Ready to go situation, Im in the minority here but I would encourage him to go for it. It is not a fault, not a failure, but simply life. That is incorrect. I have tried to explain it away because I have this new brilliant girlfriend who is so different who is teaching me how to be excited again. One day she could be changing your diapers. However that does not necessarily mean it has to be forever. I think the feeling is mutual although she would not admit to it on her side. My husband became even more verbally, emotionally & physically abusive once he met his married employee Hannah. Nobody who is struggling with this very real trauma needs to hear over simplified naive advice that suggests we have control over another persons love. Nothing changed and we knew each other by heart. He said he doesnt want to be married anymore but I have found lies in many things he has said. She kept my image whole and always spoke to them about how I loved them and how good father of a father I was. Betrayed spouses dont compel their partners to cheat people cheat due to weaknesses in their character and a flawed or deficient value system. Dont hold anyone hostage to an unrealistic agreement made at the least experienced time of our lives. For my own sake but even for Ana. She wasn't the reason I went through a dark period she was the only light that pushed me forward. UPDATE Left My Wife To Be w/ My GF, & Now I'm Regretting Every Day I'm Away From Them. At this point I wouldnt be of any worth to a woman sexually would be nice to have a companion but not likely! The pandemic years were hard on me mentally being stuck at home 24/7 (I didn't know that at the time I thought I was stagnating and out of love with my wife and that being home made me realize that instead of the truth that I was depressed because of being home all the time albeit with her). Im told Im still young looking & attractive and can find another man easily but I simply do not have the will to open my heart ever again. Im not condoning cheating. He says he has peace now but every time he calls or texts he is enraged at me. I recommend you save plan to file for divorce be sure you get what your entitled like have him buy you out of the house etc. Looking back at my marriage I totally realize that I have made a mistake. No appetite. If thats the case, she should get out immediately. Aunt Roses husband lost his job and career because he was a whistle blower, seeing a teacher having an affair with one of his students. Yes, if your wife treats you badly you are fully justified in leaving them, but saying you no longer love someone like you did when you first metcome on! Am I not worth more than this? you are there partner, they have no interest in another, suck it up live out your days with dignity and honesty. Those feelings are telling you your marriage has been unhappy for years. I have an exciting new direction of my own to focus on. Can we patch things up? Funny, he never mentioned it to me and I would have worked on it with him. So I will leave this app. Im 55 and have been married for 35 years. Its nobodys fault, this is how life works. Can you believe that? How could a good person do this? Infidelity has nothing to do with being a good person or bad person. The problem is I am TOTALLY in love with her and I know she is the one I have always dreamt of having in my life. He also continuously lies- the story will change day by day, hour by hour. Marriages may not last forever or until death do us part even when those promises were made with the very the best of intentions. If you are not into older men well dont go to lunches with them alone its simple. I can certainly understand a husband being driven to unfaithfulness because hes been sexually neglected completely and has a wife that will not talk about it at all or seek any type of advise to re-mediate it from anyone. When I first met her I was young, in my early 20's, and dating someone else. She buys what she wants, when she wants. Even though rejected partners know they're not responsible for the situation they still ask: Am I stupid? The married man i was dating his wife has MS and cant do the things he likes doing so she told him to find someone, when hebdid and she found out she said to end it well we didnt for another month and then wr got caught again, he wad ready to leave her but she had texts messages that wr sent each othet, He broke it off with me and is doing counseling but he says he still cares very much for me and loves me. They were not words that were supposed to bind you in misery. U are still going to be hurt! If they want to break up with you, let them. I waited 54 years before I married my true SOULmate. However, within a month of leaving me he had introduced all his friends to her, he was then intwined to her family and friends and built a relationship with the new womans very young son. As revenge, I told anybody and everybody what he did. And every time we had the divorce papers done, he wanted something changed and my lawyer would change it. You believe you have earned your received kindness based on hard work and character. The intimacy between my wife and I is sporadic at best, sex is not as important to my wife as it is to me. I have been married to my husband for 22 years. Most people want strong loving relationships. Not of her looks or charm, but the way she unknowingly tapped into a part of my husband that made him come alive in a way that I could not. I pray cleopatra that you would have enough respect for yourself not to do that. He is very loyal to his family, and I think fears losing their mutual friends, so hes staying to keep the peace. Be honest with yourself as well as your wife and the other woman. What is important to you and who you are. I felt strongly for her. Theyre my friends , that already married , but the 1st man already divorce while were in affair. Good that you are also thinking twice about your future with your new love. Boredom will always come. He had created a tension in the house which the kids had noticed e.g.not being bothered to do or go anywhere with me or as a family to a point that f.book was the only social life he hadhow sad were my thoughts. Steve, this is really what most people want, they want to be loved and understood deeply and intimately and that includes sex. Turned it out she cared more for me than she was ever telling or showing me that she did. I knew something was up but he could bold-face lie to me without batting an eyelash. Starting another. It is certainly not making love. I would be but sadness is my soulmate now. I dont believe that every man & woman found true love immediately. Now I have extreme regret and remorse, but F#$!, reading what Ive wrote angers me. Sorry, only little boys act and think like this. Guilt eventually has a way of eating up your soul from the insideeither through health issues or confusion and pain down the road. So to the guy who wrote this about wanting to leave for a 20 year younger women, her goal is draining your bank account, then bolting. Our problems started out when I died. No Going Back After Divorce: 4 Steps to Release Your Regret part of your emotional being is stalled right now, but it will not always be so. The last two years of our marriage I thought that we have achieved all that we could achieve. With Ana, she was honest and verbal about how she had a crush on me. I am going to share my thoughts on your situation as candidly as possible. I missed her warmth, her voice, her calmness, her wit and most of all her smell when I buried my face in her hair and neck on Saturdays when we could sleep in. JULES. Hes a cheater and hes out of a job,sounds like a catch. However, it happens every day, every minute! I do love you. I long to be alone but fear I will never be able to get over the hurt I will cause my husband and children aged 14 and 19 stops me. But, in this day and age of instant gratification, most people wont take time for introspection on their own. And we easily wouldve been very loving, caring, and committed to just that one woman as well. Ive had affairs with five married men. you will reach rock bottom before it gets better and things will be ugly for awhile if you and your wife come together as a team and realize that this is a gift, it is an opportunity to renew your life together and start again, your affair is the awakening you and her both need to realize that your marriage is at risk. We have two daughters together. What is stopping women from seeking emotional and sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage? Yet, I cannot bear to bring pain upon my wife in her later years of life, nor to hurt my kids. Nope, he grew distant, sullen and grouchy. of 18 years. But I dont regret anything I went through because I have the 3 most awesome kids. But will it always be that way, I doubt it. I have beaten myself up for not being stronger and more independent. Tell the other woman that you are going to sort things out with your wife. For the last year, picking the children up or dropping them off has been what I look forward to just to see my wife's face. Maybe reduce the intensity with your friend (you talk every day for hours thats very intense). God bless your heart xo Not being judgmental here at all just trying to help you for yourself and your family. Thats all Im saying. Youre already involved. would you trust her with your wallet like your wife? I did miss my children and my home and my stability but most of all I just missed my wife. I thought great, that problem just became someone elses. you can reach for another beer after the first, or even never stop drinking beer after beer; but none of the following beers after that will ever be as satisfying as that first cold sip fresh in from the sun. But I do love him. In fact I would say there is a higher risk of this occurring in your marriage at some point in the future when you least expected it because of the history of how you came together. So here it is, a woman I have been attracted to, like really really blown away attracted, but never thought it would go anywhere. knowing that my marriage was and could be whatever we chose to make it? 14 and 12. I was an emotional wreck and asked for longer to get my head right. Either partner cheats again and they are left alone. But you made a commitment to her and this is not fair to her. I met Ana (f32), she was one of the new people that we hired. However it doesnt both me. It is a stressful situation and I have no solution other than playing it out for x amount of time to see if this other relationship grows into something that is lasting. Love is about doing what is difficult and its hard workits not easy. (She has not said a single thank you for as long as I can remember for anything Ive DONE.) My current married lover is being productive. I dont know what to do i love this man and feel he wants to be with me. He has exchanged his old family- for a new one. When we go to lunch he pays for my food and he has been asking a lot of questions about myself and my family. Go ahead make her a favor so she wont have to suffer. Stop looking for validation an take control of your shit. She was on birth controls but not taking religiously, she was missing several pills a month and before we knew it she got pregnant in December 2014 (found out she was pregnant). Its either Me or her! Don't argue with them. I was left after a 20 years and realized that he loved someone else at this point of his life and thats okay. If we are not being selfish and put our needs just for own happiness and selfishness. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. My ex wife and I raised a beautiful family, built a fantastic business and had a lot of wonderful years & memories together. I know I probably have another 15-20 good years left and I want to spend it in peace with a good women who is like minded and loves me. He would rather hover the house or play with the kids, than sit next to me. Michael, a father of four from California, has a different approach for dealing with his regrets, one that does not include trying to break up his ex-wife's new relationship. Why work to make millions of dollars if you have no one to share it with? Stop it dead cold in its tracks. THE GRASS IS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT! In car park at break. Love and own your spouse carefully, its the best treasures ever . Thanks Chuck you are right it takes 2 people to make a marriage we tried counseling and trying to work things out. He has hurt me deeply and he knows that. My wife was my rock even in separation. The saddest to me, are the ones that cave to the pressure, and are not truly happy and never will be. When my bro inlaw died, his first wife got a lawyer, claiming that any monies from life insurance went to her sons not to the second wife. Sincerely. Because after 30 years, no other woman on the planet will ever love you like that. I remember when I first met my wife. You are wrapped up in feelings of this other woman. I took a chance and got out of a bad marriage (we are still friends!) I would agree that leaving is the right move if you are doing to save your own life and are not falling into the trap of a re-bound relationship to carry you through the first tough years following a divorce. This is now 18 months later. They say there is no fool like an old fool. Change is never easy even if we wanted it. Whether or not you find a new relationship should not even be a consideration at this point. I could have kept my husband, sure, but he wanted her and you could see that desire and he just didnt have that for me anymore. When you are married, you should do everything possible to make it work with each other. A man takes care of his family and finds joy in surmounting the challenges of mid-life. He hired bikes earlier one each for the children and one for him lol! Evidently I wasnt a very good person before I died because I have court fines keeping me from getting my license. At the end of the day, it comes down to two people making a personal commitment with each other to keep the love alive; to listen, and to also be heard. I thought it was my daughters crying and not speaking to me that hurt me. It is a temporary high or excitement that fades rapidly. There was still that spark. I see him as being smothering to soulmate at sometime in the future, her giving him the boot and him living in a dingy studio somewhere so he can pay alimony to his exwife. If, as adults, we could learn to understand and accept our nonmonogamous inclinations I think wed all be a lot happier. are you saying you swing or something like that? A right to be happy with a younger wife rather than a wife there own age. Eventually, that part of yourself will fire back up again and you will come back to your senses. Its time to stop blaming the spouse that wasnt even involved in the affair. This phase will past as soon as you have this desired relationship and got what you had wanted. All my marriage he treated me so bad and abused me in all ways. You=Loser Couples should be encouraged to leave the marriage as soon as possible, because couples should be able to choose one to each other every single night before going to sleep. My husband did the same21 years and he leaves for a younger woman after knowing her roughly 2 days. Do your best and sort those emotions before the affair. Sure many will argue I should just tell my wife goodbye and then go off with this other woman, like the loser typical male I am. If youre looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html. But she was acting strange so I looked at her call log on our mobile account. Be bitter and use Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to hold them hostage? Hes deeply in love with this woman and has moved on. I dont really recognize him anymore. Our children are teenagers, my son is graduating high school this year. My husband. I have been with her for 39 years. She told me it would probably been better for the family, Hi, James. Wives need to pay attention to the things their men find satisfying and enable them to feel loved. THAT is silly! Thats why Im convinced we are vulnerable in stale safe responsible marriages. Being bored is not a reason to break up your marriage. As a final note on my situation, we were married a combined 51 years to other people. (Hes a police officer so he retires younger than most.) All you can do truly, is decide how you want to live the rest of your life. After 12 years and two kids together she cheated with a coworker, left me for him. I will quote you an article from Samuel Goodman sorry for the blunt message :You float through life in a way that others cant even imagine. Sadly there are always women looking to be with an older man, there are not many men looking to get with older women, or apparently women of a similar age to them. Please gentleman.think..carefully..the problems you harbour are within yourself mainlythey will eventually appear again in the new relationship and then what? Men have a right to be happy and to be loved genuinely, and not only when it appears they may exit. And there are great stories of couples who survive affairs and learn too. My earlier comments were purely to give hope to anyone that finds themselves struggling. This leaves me consistently sad and hurt and waiting for something that probably will never happen. Ill say extra prayers for you, Jackie. And just because two people dont spend their entire lives together does not mean their relationship was a failure. If youve done ALL you can to facilitate this through counseling and you feel its time to move on- then do so openly and honestly. What message does that tell our kids. I care for her, we are friends but the intimacy is gone. I use all my vacation time for our child. I dont remember anyone but her and my step son. I had told him so many times that he needed to leave, regardless of me, and he wouldnt. Before that we were together for 15 years. You should feel guilty for having an affair. how can you help each other get to where you both need to be? Go to lifechurch.tv and watch the series A Way Out. The thing is they are destroying themselves in the process. I want you to be happy. Affairs are DEVASTATING. So i let him leave hopefully he wont regret it because i wont be there to take him back. I would rather not know. She is going to go psycho when I tell her I want a divorce. He never realized how far-reaching this one decision would be. We deserve to be happy. And also to the ladies that have affairs with married guys. I can only surmise its because hes lying to her and said we were legally separated due to the business theyre involved in. Period. Love is tough. what if I once did love u but after a while the feeling faded & I cant rekindle it? Youre emotionally stepping out on your marriage also and dont even believe its wrong. An emotional affair is still an affair. I feel your pain brothers. Accept your strengths, acknowledge your weaknesses, seek to strengthen your weak spots. She left me and had her mother placed in a full time care facility, her dad still lives with her but she is pushing him to go live with his wife. My family adores her. I do however think our relationship has become stale and people do change. Im so hurt by this. Believe me it wasnt from the want of me not trying at our marriage. If you work it out with here to stay or go first, youll be in better shape to start another relationship if things dont work out. However, after 3 days I changed my mind and started to looking for someone new. But what I want to ask everyone and its personal, how can a much older man, say age 50-60 or even older leave for a much younger women? Interesting, very defensive and eager to validate this option arent you. If youve been having an emotional affair on and off for all those years, you have not been investing in your current relationship/marriage. I was the one who asked her out, and first two years into our relationship she confessed to me that she had liked me for at least a year before I asked her out. Were able to work together more or less amicably to take care of our teenagers. A respectful, decent woman would have done the toughest thing which is tough love- Bill, I have feelings but I respect your marriage. That was enough for her not to try to dissuade me. Reddit, Inc. 2023. I dont know what to say to all of you. I have never had any addictions, never been abusive. Only for a couple of minutes a day does the memory of my 1st wife, kids, and family leave my mind. And no I am not a bitter divorcee, I have been married to a wonderful man for 31 years and we are not bored. Ive been married for 26 years & together a bit further north toward 30. I was destroyed and felt utterly betrayed. I am doing my best to keep the evaluation of any future relationships separate from the question of whether my marriage will succeed or fail. Whats yours? Such real total losers theyre altogether today unfortunately, compared to the good old days when most women were the very complete opposite of today back then. Oh and some say oh there sick of being a prisoner to there middle aged wife and kids. Being bored is absolutely a reason to move on, if its making him miserable and dissatisfied and doesnt see hope in finding happiness in his marriage. People start dying, grandparents, mom, dad then its our friends and before we know it us love and falling in love, having a wife or husband or gf, bf. I have no lies, no regrets, no judgement, which makes me feel so liberated. She was from the generation that stayed no matter what. You take care of yourself, get help, lean on friends, read self help books, dont depend on drugs or alcohol to get thru it and figure out what youre going to say when he comes crawling back. RIS. They were words that in essence said you will work out your issues, forsaking all others, as if you were the only two people in the world. As Lisa suggested, you will likely need the help of a third party professional. We share some interests, we dont share others. Lori Gottlieb Dear Therapist: I Won't Marry Someone With a Mountain of Debt Lori Gottlieb Family Dear Therapist: I'm Considering Leaving My Wife for My Co-worker Should I work on my. Social and high spirited. 15 happy years. When the institution of marriage was created and worked we were only vowing ourselves to another for about 20-30 years tops. I stood up, bowed to them and said, being an only male here, I can said nothing at all, but I am willing to apologize for all what they had done and hurt you, and bowed down to show my regret for their fathers. He never said he was unhappy and he never talked about leaving just left. People say Its a midlife crisis, its not real love and its not sustainable in real life. Cant be worse than it already is. Selfless, kind, open, and unique. I do care very much for her but I cant say Ive every truly been in love with her. Good luck. We have 3 children never said goodbye to them either. Until then, please do not reach out to me or talk to me. I dont agree with that. All of this started in the end of the summer . I caught a whiff of her smell and that was when it all hit me. Elle, Mariana, Yes, it is possible, I fell in love with him, his personality, his tenderness, need for me, mentorship, guidance you name it. Lie to yourself all you want. People dont like to say it like it is. But I know I should close the door on this marriage, he says he happy, he retired early all he does watch nudity pictures of women ,he wont work around the house, he just wont. These are all attatchments. We make each other very happy, have great chemistry, common interests and personalities, all of which is lacking in our respective marriages. There were many red flags along the way, but I didnt trust my intuition until later, so I refused to see what was in plain sight. be independent and dont accept anything from him to avoid sending him signs and remember that for him you are like a Piece of Cake for an Obese on a diet!! I am a beautiful woman tho the years have left me older. Do you know what you do to a womans heart when you do this? My Wife of over 35 years has left me. Weve had several sessions with one of our former marriage counselors, and my ex told me she has released a lot of anger she had toward me, though she still wished I didnt do what I did. I walked away just shaking my head. This wife wants to meet me to get to know me better what do you think thats all about. I thought it was me missing my children and my home. But should she really be married to a man who is falling in love with other women? Lets just say I have a wake up, light bulb moment and realized that this woman, I met at work, flirting with me etcgiving me the feelings, was not even close to the type of woman my wife is. There are new things to learn, explore, and share, while with your wife you may be feeling like youve been there, done that. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Its just that the love changed when a different love entered his life. As the days unravelled I was shocked to find that he had been texting her whilst at home with his family and all was revealed on Christmas Day. But what about words like loyalty to you die, or eternal loyalty for life. Totally take care of yourself. I think people should keep that in mind. And listen very carefully. People should run to something new each time?? She was a strong willed woman who had a fun side, but who also could be quite critical. I did miss my children and my home and my stability but most of all I just missed my wife. I was 23 and she was 18. After talking through the situation he gave me two weeks to save our marriage I felt like no matter what we did I was on trial. Ive been humiliated so many times that I started considering my desire of sex (with her) as a kind of shame, something wrong and unnecessary. Angela, not so helpful, sound more like someone who has been hurt in the past and taking it out on me. She made sure that the girls didn't refuse to see me. I dont understand. You will be looking for another one. But I just cannot get the feeling into my marriage. This man is an alcoholic, and has been living in squalor, so I wife has felt it her obligation to help him out of his mess. I feel trapped. There are cases of serial sexual cheaters that hurt everybody repeatedly and need help with addiction. I try my best to make a home for you, cooking, cleaning, etc. In other words looks are important to many men in dating, there actions prove that, just many men lie or deny or are to wimpy to admit looks are important in dating and there shallow, there to scared to admit that truth. I have made mountains out of molehills and have made legal threats for it has been all out of reacting to the things she has been doing. Cookie Notice I don't know if I have the right to ask her to take me back My wife and I separated a year and a half ago. She cant bear to grow old alone. Not a fat chance. She was also my first sexual experience. Its a loving act to everyone around you, including your sons. I took a chance and have been in my second marriage happily for 16 years now after living with an unhappy person for 15 years. Even if you are tempted and emotionally confused and conflicted. I couldnt and didnt want to live like that anymore. Right or wrong we met and something magical happened and we fell head over heels in love again. Building on what she wrote, I would like to take an even more pointed approach. I did do things to make me happy including hobbies and working. I know it sounds like a clich, but I was attracted to her fun, free outlook on life and it was fresh and exciting. Shortly after she started working I noticed she called my pay check our money and her pay check her money That didnt bother me much and I actually found it amusing. She held a gun to him when an old school chum called about a class reunion. If you had written about being unhappy in your marriage and wanting to leave your wife before this new woman was in the picture, Id say be a man, talk to your wife, tell her that youre unhappy, see a therapist, and see if you cant work out if youre just unhappy or the marriage is unhappy. If you found through therapy that your marriage is unhappy, Id say, be a man and tell your wife kindly that you need to leave. But your scenario is not that! Self responsibility is hard, Childish surrender to another to make all the decisions and then use passive aggressive manipulation to get what you want, and indulging in bitch fests with other women about the men they would seem to own as pocket slaves and providers no wonder men want to leave. You made her feel old, unattractive and unimportant. They never divorce but he cohabited with his friends wife for a long time. This means nothing. He was trying to have an adult conversation with me in such a way that I would agree and he could then talk me into us separating peacefully. If it seems like I've rambled on, I'm sorry.